Thanks to the Goddesses of Tantra for this fabulous article on the intricacies of that occasionally elusive moment (or two!)

Surprisingly not only men, but also more than a few women don’t completely understand or appreciate the process. This circumstance should be of  little surprise to anyone considering that there has been, and continues to be a good deal of disagreement even among “experts” on the subject of female orgasm.

The questions are innumerable… How does it happen? Is every woman able to have this experience? What does climax feel like? Are there variations of orgasm? Why does it take longer for females to achieve climax?

What happens during climax

After a woman becomes sexually aroused, her heart beats faster while her breathing quickens. Often, she’ll tighten various muscles all over her body. Her breasts usually enlarge somewhat, the nipples tend to stand out while the areolas become noticeably enlarged. Some women flush red on their face, neck and chest. The visible part of the clitoris also swells slightly.

Secretions occur inside and at the opening of the vagina. Her labia flatten and open. The vagina lengthens and widens internally, changing what was a potential space into more of an actual space. These vaginal changes are mainly a result of a rush of blood to the pelvic area — called engorgement — which provides a generally pleasurable warmth in a female’s genital area.

As her arousal increases, so does engorgement as well as most of the changes mentioned above becoming more pronounced. The one area that doesn’t follow this pattern is the clitoris. Instead of continually swelling, it actually begins to retract under the clitoral hood and decreases in length by about 50%. This is a sign that orgasm is imminent for most women, as long as optimal stimulation continues.

The orgasm itself begins with strong muscle contractions. These contractions can be finished within four seconds or last up to about 15 seconds. They tend to occur at intervals of 0.8 seconds. Also, the inner two-thirds of the vagina usually open up even more, while the uterus contracts.

During orgasm, skin flushing generally reaches its maximum. Muscles may keep contracting, while blood pressure, heart rate and respiratory rate continue to rise. Some women make sounds reflecting the pleasure they are experiencing.

Signs confirming orgasm

Rhythmic muscle contractions occur in the outer third of the vagina, the uterus and anus. The first muscle contractions are the most intense, and occur at a rate of about 1 per second. As the orgasm continues, the contractions become less intense and occur at a more random rate.

• A mild orgasm may have 3 -5 contractions, an intense orgasm 10 -15.

• The “sex flush” (redness) becomes even more pronounced and may cover a greater percentage of the body.

• Muscles throughout the body may contract during orgasm, not just those in the pelvic area.

• Some women will emit or spray some fluid from their urethra during orgasm. This is often called female ejaculation.

• A woman’s facial expression may indicate that she is in pain when she is having a pleasurable orgasm.

• At the peak of orgasm the entire body may become momentarily rigid.

What does orgasm feel like?

Women who have never experienced orgasm, and women who are not sure if they have, often ask, “What does an orgasm feel like?”

This is a hard, if not impossible, question to answer. Imagine trying to explain to someone what it feels like to sneeze or yawn. Not easy to do. How our senses and brain interpret physical stimuli is subjective, that is dependent solely on the individual’s perceptions.

Subjective reports frequently mention a sensation of tingling in the spine, brain, and genital areas. While some women relay an experience being on the verge of passing out, others report a level of enjoyment only somewhat less than that of “the earth moving”. If a woman has experienced some form of nerve damage, she may not be able to tell if she has had an orgasm.

Female sensual receptors

Although it’s true that the entire body is in some way involved during climax, the key sensual receptor will always be the clitoris. Without engaging the “clit” directly or indirectly, there can be no prospect of orgasm. It seems difficult, particularly for men to understand that something as diminutive as the clit could be so vitally important. How could this tiny, almost external appendage be infinitely more sensitive than the vagina itself?

Intuition would make you believe that the lining or walls of the vagina are somehow more akin to the tip penis. Following that logic these two matching surfaces would engage one another during intercourse… resulting in ultimate mutual pleasure, physically and emotionally. Yet for some reason mother nature has played a trick. During intercourse primarily the emotional element comes into play, as the female creates a physical union with male.

There is a simple but not necessarily well known explanation for this circumstance. Unlike the glands of the penis, the vagina has relatively few sensual receptors. Ironically, the deeper the penetration, the fewer the receptors. The relatively few nerve receptors which do exist in the vagina are actually located to the upper third; which in many women may be only marginally sensitive at best.

For a woman to achieve climax the clit must be stimulated in some fashion.

This can be accomplished in two ways, directly or indirectly. With the indirect method the males pubic bone may push up against the clit while thrusting during intercourse. Or the penis may rub against the vulva, which because of its proximity to the clit, may result in indirect stimulation.

Considering these circumstances it should be evident that indirect stimulation of the clit is not very efficient. It’s actually a testimonial to the clit’s remarkable sensitivity that indirect stimulation is even sufficient to produce climax for about 30 – 40% of women. Depending on the result of any particular survey.

By most accounts the clit is the counterpart of the tip or “glans” of the penis, with three primary differences: a) the urethra does not pass though the clit. b) it’s smaller in size. 3) it’s significantly more sensitive due to the greater number of nerve receptors (per square inch) than those found on the glans of the penis.

In this case it should be fair to assume that it’s not possible for the majority of women to reach climax solely as a result of intercourse in the missionary position (face to face).

What might be the alternative?

Any position which allows the male partner easy and unrestricted access to the clit. For example: with the male laying on his back, and the female straddling his waist (facing him). In this position it’s easily possible for the female to engage in thrusting, while allowing the male to directly stimulate her clit with his fingers.

Another alternative… more secure couples may decide to engage in intercourse with the male entering from the rear. With the female positioned in a forward kneeling position, she would have one hand free. This would allow her to stroke her clit to the point of full climax in concert with the thrusting action of her partner. The Application of this technique may make it possible for the couple to coordinate their efforts of reaching that elusive and highly prized “simultaneous” orgasm.

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• Give Your Girl an Orgasm!
• How to choose a Sex Toy, #2: What Do I Want it to Do?
• It Hurts! And my dildo is lonely.

This was originally published in the Sun on May 25th.

ANY considerate lover wants their partner to feel satisfied, but there are major differences between men’s and women’s orgasms.

If you are a guy wanting to be sure your partner reaches orgasm, be careful that you aren’t putting pressure on your wife or girlfriend to enjoy her sex life as you think she ought to, rather than tuning in to her needs and desires.

Men and women do have quite different sexual needs and responses.

Men usually rate intercourse as the most important activity and see making love as a sequence of the three Es – excitement, erection and ejaculation. Most men feel they’ve failed if their partner doesn’t also climax, preferably during intercourse.

However, only around 50 per cent of women do usually reach orgasm when they make love and only about half of these usually do so during intercourse. So, if your partner is enjoying the total experience of having sex, if she is left feeling content and fulfilled, then there is no reason why either of you should feel she has a problem even if she doesn’t always orgasm. She’s quite normal.

Nonetheless, you will want to be sure that you’re making love to your partner in a way most likely to help her experience full sexual satisfaction and reach orgasm, if that’s what she wants.

First of all she must be in the right mood to want to make love – and that may well largely depend on how considerate you are as a partner out of bed, as well as in it. You may think a couple of drinks will help her get in the mood but don’t over-do it.

Too much alcohol can add to the problem, dry up the vaginal secretions and reduce the blood flow to the sex organs. This in turn can make sex more painful and make it harder for a woman to reach orgasm.

Foreplay

If the mood is right, try not to approach love-making like a football match, when the winning goal is all. Think of it more like a leisurely swim in warm seas, when every stroke is a pleasure in itself. Allow a lot of time for foreplay.

Kama Sutra Honey Dust

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You want to bring your partner’s body alive all over. You may well like to start with kissing, and caress her arms, her back, her legs, experimenting with firm, smooth strokes and light, finger-tip, feathery movements. Caress and kiss her face, mouth, ears, neck. This is where some Kama Sutra Honey Dust with it’s light as a touch feather and tasty powder comes in handy.

When both of you feel that your skin is alive all over, then you can move on to the more obviously sexual areas of stimulation. Caress and kiss all over her body. To start with just make the odd lightning dash to the sexual area and away again, and then gradually start to linger longer.

The part of women’s anatomy which brings most of them the most pleasure is the clitoris, a sort of little peak in front of the vagina. It is very, very sensitive. Some women find direct stimulation quickly makes them feel sore. You must experiment. The flat of your hand may be what feels best. The tongue can work wonders if your partner enjoys oral sex.

And do talk to one another while you make love. You have got to communicate to let one another know how you feel and what is good. Don’t expect to read one another’s thoughts. Sex can be magical but it can’t achieve miracles of mind-reading.

This build-up can take half an hour before your partner feels quite ready for intercourse, though she may already have reached orgasm through your love-play.

Kama Sutra Sexual Positions

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Intercourse

If you are going to have intercourse, the position or positions you choose are up to you – there are no rights or wrongs. Some couples have a wonderful sex life never varying from the traditional “missionary”, face to face with the man lying between the woman’s legs, but many women find they get more sensation in the missionary position if they place a pillow underneath their bottom. If you need some inspiration, check out the Kama Sutra book of Sexual Positions. Variety is spicy!

Some women enjoy the clitoris or surrounding area being caressed at the same time as having intercourse, perhaps with the man approaching from behind.

Reaching a climax needs some muscle tension and you can give this a nudge in the right direction. The woman shouldn’t try to relax but consciously tense the pelvic-floor muscle. Then she should arch her back and put her head back. This gets her body in the right position to reach climax, as long as her partner carries on pleasuring her.

Some women find it best if they are on top so they have more control, as sometimes it will feel good to both of you to go fast, sometimes slowly. Again, you must feel free to talk to one another.

Climax

Couples have widely varying patterns of orgasmic response. It certainly doesn’t matter whether you both climax at the same time. A happy pattern achieved by many couples is that the woman climaxes once or more times – the number doesn’t really matter as long as she enjoys it – and the man climaxes afterwards.

If you climax first and lose your erection, you can either wait and build up to it again, or you can bring her to climax through other stimulation.

Modern-style vibrators designed especially to suit women’s sexual responses can make a positive difference. Check out our store.

If your partner consistently maintains that nothing feels right, then don’t assume this necessarily means your technique as a lover is at fault.

If you know you’ve pretty well followed the suggestions I’ve given here, then the problem is almost certainly that for some reason anxiety is blocking her sexual responsiveness. Common reasons for that are a represssive upbringing or unhappy early experiences.

It may be resolved if you have patience and can persuade your partner to confide in you, but such problems often need expert help to be properly sorted out. You may want to find a local sex therapist or counselor to help you both work through these issues.

I hope that helps. If you would like further advice, please e-mail me at SpicyPrincess at comcast dot net. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• How to choose a Sex Toy, #2: What Do I Want it to Do?
• How to choose the right Sex Toy #1:Why Do I Want a Toy?
• Introducing Sex Toys to your Relationship

• Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

• Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat  produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

• Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

• Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!

• Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

• The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

• Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

• Kissing each day will keep the dentist away.

• Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

• Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

• A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• Female Orgasm
• Give Your Girl an Orgasm!
• It Hurts! And my dildo is lonely.

Talking about anal sex is tantamount to walking on coals. It takes being especially careful in word choice (cause even Spicy Princesses don’t want to offend their guests) while being thorough and direct (people WANT to know, they just don’t want to admit it).

I’ll admit, sometimes at my Pleasure PartiesI just skip this part of my presentation in order to avoid the wrinkled nose of distaste or someone’s quip of disgust. More often, I let my party attendees know they can escape to the part of their brain that is always playing loud rock and roll, and I’ll call them back when I’m done.

But consider paying attention with an open mind, if not enthusiasm, as our comfort zones regarding sex change periodically, and you never know if a few months or years from now, you may find yourself thinking about a little butt play.

The good stuff.

Butt sex feels good. That’s why about 80% of adults have thought about trying it, experimented with it or happily engage in anal sex regularly.

When women have something in their butt during a vaginal orgasm, the sensation is multiplied about ten times. Wowee!

Guys can have some profound orgasms through anal play. Their prostate gland acts similarly to a woman’s G-Spot and anal play puts pressure on his prostate. The more (gentle) pressure you put on it, the bigger his orgasm will be.  A blow-his-mind experience.

Of course, there are lots of people with concerns and issues around the idea of anal sex. Pain, safety, sexuality, etc. And of course, poop. That’s the big one.

We’re going to start with the basics, the how to stay safe AND enjoy yourself. Come back next week for answers to the most common questions asked about anal sex.

The Basics of Anal Sex

Ducky DooLittle, Sex educator, author and sex activist, does a fabulous job of explaining the anatomy of pleasure and how to explore your own and your partner’s butts while staying safe.

Beginner Anal toys.

Get some lube.

System Jo Lubes
Water: item 8500
Silicone: item 8470

Our butts are not self-lubricating so a quality lube is a must have.

A thicker lube like System Jo Water-Based is better for anal sex with a woman. Most couples have anal sex from behind. (Picture her on all fours) For women this means lube can slide down her body bringing bacteria into her vagina or urethra. A thicker lube will stay put in her anal region and keep infections away.

Most guys like a silicone lube like System Jo Silicone for anal play because a little bit goes a long way and silicone lube is also good for any skin on skin contact, so it works well for any hand-on-shaft play you may incorporate into your fun.

Plugs.

Little Flirt
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The Little Flirt is the perfect beginner toy. Not much bigger than your finger, it’s the perfect toy to feel how easy and gentle -yet super hot- anal sex can be. Super smooth and made of the highest quality 100% silicone, it’s easy to clean, and can even be sterilized by dropping in boiling water for 5 minutes.

Pro Touch
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The perfect prostate toy is the Pro Touch. Super smooth, for gentle entry and curved to hit the exact right spot. . His prostate is about two inches inside his body, on the navel side of his rectum wall so insert the Pro Touch with the tip pointed towards his belly button.  It also comes with a mini vibe that pops in and out, delivering vibrations through the tip right to the prostate.

Check back next week when Ducky and I talk more about Anal Sex. If you have any questions you’d like me to answer in a future post about anal sex, send them in right away. Your information is always confidential.

In the meantime, if you’d like to know about the featured toys, visit my For Your Pleasure site.  Once there, click on ’store’ and follow the prompts.  When you reach the product page, enter the item code in the search box.

Or just have fun exploring!

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• Introducing Sex Toys to your Relationship
• It Hurts! And my dildo is lonely.
• Lube Baby!