Ask The Spicy Princess

I haven’t had sex in a LONG time and now when I use my dildo it hurts. How do I reintroduce the dildo, so that when I start dating again, his penis won’t hurt? ~Jersey

Dear Jersey,

When sex hurts, it’s awful! Let’s see if I can help.

Before I can actually offer any actions, please check in with yourself to see if your body’s reaction could stem from a trauma, either physical or emotional. Our bodies take drastic measures to protect us from perceived or real threats. This means your vagina can become tight and unwilling to stretch if you have been physically or emotionally abused in a sexual manner. It’s our mind’s only defense.

If this is the case, I recommend counseling with a trained professional. I am not qualified to give medical advice and this comes very close to the line.

If you are healthy, and not the victim of sexual trauma, there are other possibilities. It is true that a woman’s vagina needs to see some action to stay healthy and open. If too much time passes between sexual episodes, your body actually closes down, gets tight and dry. Thus, pain!

In this case, you’ll want to try doing the following things:

Stretching

You will want to spend some time getting your vagina ready to have sex again. Instead of your regular dildo, purchase 2-3 dildos that start small and progressively grow in girth. For instance, You can get a set of Silks, that gradually get bigger.

The Silk-small
item 10452

The Silk-medium
item 10453

The Silk-Large
item 10454

Lubrication

I know I keep saying this, but there really is nothing more important than lube. Your vagina is a mucus membrane and when it gets dry, it very easily tears, and hurts.

Take some time to figure out what kind of lube you want and then make sure you use it every time you have sex, whether by yourself or with a partner.

Hopefully these things will make a difference. Let us know how it goes.

Look here if you want to purchase any of the products I have suggested or to browse all the others we sell.

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• Introducing Sex Toys to your Relationship
• Give Your Girl an Orgasm!
• Lube Baby!

Ask The Spicy Princess

What do you say to your kids about your business? More importantly, do you have any tips on talking to my teenagers about sex without freaking them out or embarrassing me and still getting the point across?  ~Jillian J.

Dear Jillian,

You have asked one of those timeless, hard-to-answer questions.

Every parent wants to handle this perfectly, but never knows if they get it quite right.

I don’t profess to have all the answers. (OK, sometimes I think I do, but we all know I’m full of cow manure, right.) I just have MY answers, the ones that work for me, and my teens. Or at least two of my teens. (The last one is fledgling, and we’ve just started.)

The most important thing to remember is there really isn’t a “perfect” answer, just like there is never a “perfect” family. That’s the remnants of decades of a  “Leave it to Beaver” mentality. And we all know that just isn’t what it’s like out there.

The Talk

I’ve been talking to my kids about sex for as long as I can remember. And Drugs. And food and politics and friendship and homework. We talk. A lot.

I think these topics were natural for us because I homeschooled my kids for such a long time. (yes, I know most of you think I’m crazy. It’s ok, I think so too sometimes)

It wasn’t just the homeschooling itself that made talking about so many things a routine part of our days. We were living in New York City. And homeschooling in NY requires many rides on the subway.  Imagine the ads in the subways in the early 90’s. With AIDS and crack such a relevant issue, the train cars were plastered with safe-sex, anti-drug propaganda. (Just to be clear, I’m all for safe sex and anti-narcotics.) And the most common CSA ads were a series of comic strips about the down and dirty reality of the dangers of contracting HIV.

Yep, comic strips.

Now, imagine traveling 3-4 times a day with young, curious children in the “why” stage. Children who were learning to read Dr. Suess and Tintin. There was no way to keep them away from those PSA comic strips. So I answered their questions. Which is the basis of everything I have to say on this subject.

When kids ask, just answer them. Answer them as simply as possible, keep it at their level of understanding. When they lose interest, the questions will stop for the moment. By the time my kids turned into surly, hibernating teenagers who didn’t want to “talk” to their mother, they knew about STD’s, condoms, sexual responsibility, all of the scary stuff that goes along with being sexually active.

But they also got earfuls of the good. “Sex is enjoyable. Everyone has it, you will have it and when you do, as long as you are responsible both physically (practicing safe-sex and birth control) and emotionally (for your partner’s as well as your own feelings), you will enjoy it too.”

So back to your first question, these conversations have made it much easier explaining what I do for work when they ask. Even if you didn’t start young with sex education, something we did with my oldest will still probably be helpful.

When he turned 13, I talked to him privately about condoms. I showed him how to put them on and take them off. Did you know that a huge cause of pregnancy among teens is that they don’t know how to take off a condom without spilling the semen? So yes, there was a banana involved here.

Then we cleared a drawer in the bathroom, a big drawer, and filled it with condoms. Enough that we couldn’t count. Enough that we wouldn’t be able to tell if there were some missing. And we made an announcement that they were there, that while we’re hoping they wouldn’t have sex until they were at least 18, there was no way we could monitor every moment. And that being safe was more important to me than having them sneak around and have something bad happen.

Embarrassment? Yes. For all concerned. But not as much as there could have been. And more importantly, it worked! How do I know? Cause I ask. (yes, I’m a nosy mom who’s kids generally answer my questions as long as I don’t go too far.)

That’s how we do it in our family. Here’s what sex educator Ducky DooLittle says about talking to your kids about sex.

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• It Hurts! And my dildo is lonely.
• The Unmentionable Pleasure: Butt (Anal) Sex.
• He’s Too Big. Help!

Ask The Spicy Princess

So many questions about the libido!

What tips do you have for couples whose sex drives are totally different. My man wants what I think is a lot: 3 times a day. Me not so much: once a week? We’ve been together for 6 years and have good communication. I basically feel sexually lame when I compare myself to him. Thank you! ~Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Hugs! It can be really hard to feel so out of sync with your partner.

The place to start is with that word “compare.” Comparing yourself with anyone else, even your partner, when it comes to sex, is a sure fire way to make yourself feel inadequate or “lame.” In all things sexual, there is no normal, no standard, other than the one we create in our own minds.

Embrace that at this moment in your life, you and your body want to have sex about once a week. That’s not only OK, it’s just how it is. Right now. Not necessarily forever.

Then think about what your sex life would look like if you had it the way you want. And be willing to talk to your partner about it.

Wanting to want more sex

There are some steps you can take to help your body feel more desire.

(I want to emphasize that I am NOT a Dr. and you should get your Dr.’s opinion on anything I say, particularly if it’s different than your Dr.’s advice!)

#1. Get some sleep!

One of the biggest libido killers is fatigue. Stress is a close second. Most of us don’t sleep enough and our bodies aren’t up to performing gymnastics when we’re tired. Enough sleep will also help with the stress. ‘Nuf said.

#2. Libido enhancers for women

Sexual Energy Drink
item #9878

Woman’s Sexual Energy Drink.

I know, I didn’t believe it at first either. The idea of drinking something and then getting horny seemed like one of those slick, stupid spam emails. Something I would never do. But all in the name of research for the cause, I tried it. Surprisingly, this stuff really works!!

You mix one dose (3 in a vial, ea. about 1 tbsp.) with the last sip or two of your drink. Alcohol definitely seems to work better, but juice is OK too. About half an hour later, WooHoo! Ranch Boy was a happy camper.

It is a blend of scientifically evaluated plant extracts. Their alleged actions on the blood flow are recognized to promote the following effects:

• Damiana: Sensitivity of the sexual region and strengthening of the vaginal wall;
• Caramuru: Stimulation of the central nervous system, the dilatation of the blood vessels for better lubrication and the improvement of sexual desire through its alleged aphrodisiac properties;
• Ashwaganda: A general sense of well-being, the activation of sexual energy, the augmentation of libido and the improvement of tactile sensations;
• Clavo huasca: Augmentation of libido, regulation of hormonal production and might be particularly effective for pre-menopausal women;
• Guarana: Better responses to sexual stimulations, reduction of inhibitions, augmentation of creativity and physical ability.

Contraindication Not recommended during pregnancy and for persons suffering of hypertension.

Secret Garden
item #10320

Another great libido enhancer for women is Secret Garden Read this previous post about what it does and how to use it.

Wanting him to ask for less sex.

We’ll have to tackle this part of the question another day. And then there’s the whole other manifestation of the out-of-sync libido. The one where a woman wants sex more often than her male partner. Surprising to many women NOT dealing with this side of the issue, about 30% of married men are less interested in sex than their wives.

Another time.

To purchase the above products, or any others, click on buy a toy above, and go to the store!

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• Hot Affair: Need a break? Take a drive.
• Give Your Girl an Orgasm!
• Leading a Team of Naughty Nymphettes

Ask The Spicy Princess

When size really is the issue:

I have a host who is interested in the Succulent Blossom, a masturbation sleeve for her husband, but is afraid it will squeeze him to death because he is so big. She says most of their arguments come from not having sex because she usually ends up bleeding by the end because he rips her, so she’s sure he’ll rip the Blossom. I told her she needs the silicone lube, and that I would talk to you and ask your advice. Thank you! ~Kristin M.

The Succulent Blossom
item #10710

Dear Kristin,

Your hostess may be asking about the Blossom, but it sounds to me as if she is also looking for a way to have sex that doesn’t hurt.  Let’s see if we can help her to get both.

First off, tell her to find time to sit down with her honey at a time when sex is not imminent, so it doesn’t feel like an ambush to him. Conversations about getting what you want can only happen when everyone feels safe. No blame. No anger.

Have her explain to him that she really WANTS to have sex with him, and she gets nervous because so often she feels bruised and is often bleeding afterwards. Have her ask him if he is willing to spend a little time working on a solution together so that they can both enjoy their sex life. Hopefully, he’ll happily agree.

Of course, if he says no, I’d go the Dan Savage route and tell her to DTMFA (Dump The Mother Fucker Already).

System Jo Silicone
item #8470

First on the list is Lube.

Yes, the System Jo Pharmaceutical Grade Silicone. Lubrication is nature’s way of protecting the fragile skin of our vaginas, but nature didn’t consider all the odds stacked against us. Adding a little man-made lube from a bottle will do wonders for eliminating some of the tearing and bruising caused by too much friction.

Secret Garden
item #10320

The second recommendation is Shunga Secret Garden

This helps get her more in the mood and turn her on quickly in case 20 minutes of foreplay is not what he’s up for.

Secret Garden* is a topical, herbal creme with L-Arginine. When applied to a woman’s clitoris and labia, not only will she be completely aroused in 30-45 seconds, but her orgasms will intensify, and with consistent use over 2-3 weeks, her libido will naturally increase. It’s truly Magic Cream! (* Not for women who are pregnant or who have genital herpes)

Slow Down

Thirdly, he needs to be careful and slow while they are having intercourse. Maybe even making sure she has an orgasm first, since that will help stretch her as well.

The key to her enjoyment is SLOW!! And honestly, if he’s too big for her to enjoy intercourse, there are loads of other great ways to get pleasure and intimacy. For both of them.

Succulent Blossom

As far as the his using the Succulent Blossom, when it first comes, it will be too tight. Once it’s stretched though, it should be big enough even for “Jeff Stryker” the biggest dildo I have in my Party kit.

To get it ready, when it first arrives, have her lube it up and slide it over a glass soda bottle and leave it there for a couple of days. If that’s not enough, then have them slowly stretch it more and more with their hands. Or have him use the sleeve for solo play over a period of a week or so. That should stretch it to the right size if he’s careful with it.

The Results

I know it’s a lot of steps, but it will be totally worth it. Not just because he’ll get more of what he wants from the Succulent Blossom, but because she’ll get some relief from the pressure she must be feeling to put out more often than her body is comfortable with.

It will bring the joy back to their sex life. And the fun!

The best part? It will make every other aspect of their relationship better too. If he’s willing to do the work, I have no doubt that all sorts of really great things are in store for them.

Dana, The Spicy Princess

And if YOU want any of these products, go to the store .  Perhaps you want some private, confidential advice about your sex life, email me at SpicyPrincess AT comcast DOT net. I’m here for you.

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• It Hurts! And my dildo is lonely.
• What Should I Massage with?
• Lube Baby!

Ask The Spicy Princess – Product Review

Here’s a question that conveniently doubles as an introduction to a great product. This morning I was asked:

I have a hostess that wants either the Lelo Nea (below right) or the Lelo Lily (below left). Do you have experience with either one? Need some feedback for her. Thanks! -WA Naughty Nymphette

The Nea

The Lily

Dear Nymphette,

Personally, I sell a couple of the Nea’s at every party. They are essentially the same toy, except the Nea has a black plastic finish and the Lily has a smooth, silky silicone finish. I carry the Nea to parties because it’s the same great toy for less cash. Why spend more than you need to? Once she knows she wants one of these, its really all about the finish.

A Few Details

They are eco-friendly (rechargeable – don’t use batteries) and have a modern, luxury design. Even the packaging is beautiful! A gorgeous black box good enough for jewelery. And to top it off, Lelo warranties all their toys for 1 year. It breaks? Return it for a new one. That promise doesn’t come around every day in the Sex Toy industry!!

I like them cause they’re small enough to fit in my palm, and are just crooked enough to fit right over my pubic bone. Like a flat, curved egg.

It has 10 speeds of vibration, from extremely low to moderately high, and also 4 pulsation patterns to rock your world in the exact way you dream about. It ranges from “What’s that supposed to do?” to “Someone come peel me off the wall, please!”

Tips:

Tell her to put the small, pointy end just at the opening of her vagina with her clitoris just inside the bend. Since all those yummy nerve endings live just inside that opening, rocking it back and forth vertically will make her feel a little like Jello!

Also, If she has a partner, they’re small enough to fit between two bodies without “coming between” them, if you get my drift. It’s likely she won’t need to hold it in place, it’ll be held there by their bodies.

Tell her to try lying on top of it! It’s won’t dig into her pubic bone which is great for those times she might want it from behind.

The Rest of the Scoop:

I would prefer if the control buttons were on the other side of the toy. It’s hard to change the levels while using it because of this. Since I have never had a toy before that “fits like a glove” so to speak, I am finding that with a little practice, my hand has started figuring out how to compensate. Thank god for “smart” hands! *grin

I ABSOLUTELY recommend this toy!

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• How to Choose #3: Vibrators
• Self Righteous Princesshood

Ask Me!

Let’s go beyond “Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask!” I’ll answer those, of course, they’re my fave.

Ask me about me

Aren’t you dying to know what a Spicy Princess does all day? Well, you have to ask to find out.

Ask me about Romance, Pleasure and Sex Toys

Your relationship got you seeing question marks? You’ve tried everything, but that G-Spot orgasm is eluding you? Don’t know how to talk to your partner about that vibrator you’ve been hiding in your drawer? Curious about which C-Ring to buy? This is the place.

Ask me about my job as a For Your Pleasure rep

Don’t hold back. I’ll tell you how much money I make, what it’s like to do 4 parties a weekend, what my hostesses are like, how I motivate my team of Naughty Nymphettes, what I like the most and what I hate the most.

I’ll try to play nice, or at least I won’t bite without a “pretty please, with sugar on top?” I can’t wait! Write me at SpicyPrincess at comcast dot net.

If this post hit the spot, take a look at these:

• Introducing Sex Toys to your Relationship
• Leading a Team of Naughty Nymphettes
• It Hurts! And my dildo is lonely.