Talking to teens about sex
Ask The Spicy Princess
What do you say to your kids about your business? More importantly, do you have any tips on talking to my teenagers about sex without freaking them out or embarrassing me and still getting the point across? ~Jillian J.
Dear Jillian,
You have asked one of those timeless, hard-to-answer questions.
Every parent wants to handle this perfectly, but never knows if they get it quite right.
I don’t profess to have all the answers. (OK, sometimes I think I do, but we all know I’m full of cow manure, right.) I just have MY answers, the ones that work for me, and my teens. Or at least two of my teens. (The last one is fledgling, and we’ve just started.)
The most important thing to remember is there really isn’t a “perfect” answer, just like there is never a “perfect” family. That’s the remnants of decades of a “Leave it to Beaver” mentality. And we all know that just isn’t what it’s like out there.
The Talk
I’ve been talking to my kids about sex for as long as I can remember. And Drugs. And food and politics and friendship and homework. We talk. A lot.
I think these topics were natural for us because I homeschooled my kids for such a long time. (yes, I know most of you think I’m crazy. It’s ok, I think so too sometimes)
It wasn’t just the homeschooling itself that made talking about so many things a routine part of our days. We were living in New York City. And homeschooling in NY requires many rides on the subway. Imagine the ads in the subways in the early 90’s. With AIDS and crack such a relevant issue, the train cars were plastered with safe-sex, anti-drug propaganda. (Just to be clear, I’m all for safe sex and anti-narcotics.) And the most common CSA ads were a series of comic strips about the down and dirty reality of the dangers of contracting HIV.
Yep, comic strips.
Now, imagine traveling 3-4 times a day with young, curious children in the “why” stage. Children who were learning to read Dr. Suess and Tintin. There was no way to keep them away from those PSA comic strips. So I answered their questions. Which is the basis of everything I have to say on this subject.
When kids ask, just answer them. Answer them as simply as possible, keep it at their level of understanding. When they lose interest, the questions will stop for the moment. By the time my kids turned into surly, hibernating teenagers who didn’t want to “talk” to their mother, they knew about STD’s, condoms, sexual responsibility, all of the scary stuff that goes along with being sexually active.
But they also got earfuls of the good. “Sex is enjoyable. Everyone has it, you will have it and when you do, as long as you are responsible both physically (practicing safe-sex and birth control) and emotionally (for your partner’s as well as your own feelings), you will enjoy it too.”
So back to your first question, these conversations have made it much easier explaining what I do for work when they ask. Even if you didn’t start young with sex education, something we did with my oldest will still probably be helpful.
When he turned 13, I talked to him privately about condoms. I showed him how to put them on and take them off. Did you know that a huge cause of pregnancy among teens is that they don’t know how to take off a condom without spilling the semen? So yes, there was a banana involved here.
Then we cleared a drawer in the bathroom, a big drawer, and filled it with condoms. Enough that we couldn’t count. Enough that we wouldn’t be able to tell if there were some missing. And we made an announcement that they were there, that while we’re hoping they wouldn’t have sex until they were at least 18, there was no way we could monitor every moment. And that being safe was more important to me than having them sneak around and have something bad happen.
Embarrassment? Yes. For all concerned. But not as much as there could have been. And more importantly, it worked! How do I know? Cause I ask. (yes, I’m a nosy mom who’s kids generally answer my questions as long as I don’t go too far.)
That’s how we do it in our family. Here’s what sex educator Ducky DooLittle says about talking to your kids about sex.
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I'm Dana Corey, the Spicy Princess ... here's the rest of the story. »
As someone who taught sex ed. I heartily agree with everything that the Spicy Princess says here.
When kids ask questions, answer, and then stop talking. If they stop asking, you’re done for the moment – they’ve heard all they need to hear for now.
Bring a lot of interesting books into the house that deal with sexuality, gender, sexual orientation, and sexual health (fiction and nonfiction), and put them in a place that won’t make it obvious when one is missing. My female students loved the book Cunt.
It’s never too early to open the door and start this ongoing conversation. I like to draw pictures for my step daughter of the female reproductive system or whatever (and her friends like them too. We started when she was 7.
NEVER use fear of STD’s (including pregnancy) as a sex ed. tool. Never stigmatize STD’s or people who have them – it’s simply a medical condition, and people are far less likely to talk about this openly with their partners or health care provider if they’re ashamed of it.
Let your kids see you naked on a regular basis (with healthy boundaries, of course).
Cascade AIDS project has a great education/ outreach program.
Have a sense of humor!